I am snappish still like telling me not to curse is a death penalty kind of snappish, guess what my mother has to do to defend the virtue of the brother. Delightful and after a thrilling explanation of why I am fat unhealthy and going to die, simply magic.
For the record unless it is work I am not going to stop swearing if only to underline the depth of my brother’s error. I have the right to say as I will what I will.
Until this is realized the fight will continue.
I have been moved and so I write, moved by Californication Season 1 Episode 8 about his father. I started thinking about the things I have wanted to be a father, a husband a lover and a friend, I do well some but the one that cannot be muliganed has not happened, thru circumstance events and a few times what could be considered luck I have not had the path to father opened. Something about the love of a child appeals to me in a way I cannot articulate and I do not mean mine for I but rather I to them. Some part of me moving on past me bringing some fragment of what I was forward to others, a family a name a line a path responsibilty to protect what was by being what is. I seem to have gone another way abandoning the first few for the last being a friend. I have a good many friends as I have always had in my adult life moving about me as they always do closer and drawing away each being helped and helping as they need. In some ways I have replaced that old perogitive with this, no longer a child and a lover seek but instead strive to be the best man I can be and maybe in the end all things will come as I had once hoped but down a road I would have never thought.
[I am sorry there is such a clear demarcation of idea's here but this is how I think]
For the first time in a long while I have fallen in Love, that scary scary word, I mean on some level it evokes fear of betrayal and humiliation, and yet I cannot help myself. I do not want to Love to put myself there out on a limb opening my emotions again to another letting them into my mind my soul my life. I am scared to death. And yet I do Love her I walk again the path of which has cost me so much pain. Why? I ask over and over this was not a requirement of her’s not her plan not so soon so fast. I cannot help it she rules so many of my thoughts and again I am 18 by a wall looking in the eye’s of that first and kissing so gently and knowing something so great. When I kiss Leah that is there and like then I am driven to her to kiss and to more. Yet not. She is not ready and I am Ok with that, how did this happen this realignment of what I was trapped in touch and affection to save my soul, I let her in and did not demand the price of flesh that makes the risk at least enjoyable. I am baffled at me. Love is a funny fickle thing and I seem to be absorbed in its grip. I have not blogged much cause I cannot articulate how I am feeling. I am on a rollercoaster, I want to smash to get off to escape but I want to stay on, to risk the whole ride to see if this is the one she that I have sought since that first kiss. Lips touching but so much more than that could ever be.
[ I would blame the time but it is noon.]
Californication is an awesome show, Showtime and David Duchoveny is a good match, after what seems far too long I hung out with Steve, John and Dave we talked had some drink and even had a nice smoke. It is good to have a good time with good friends. Steve leaves in the morrow for Victoria, John the day after for Ottawa and Dave moves back to inscrutability once more. Split by time and circumstance and still given a chance we have a good time hanging out together.
I gushed perhaps to much of the Leah but I regret nothing. It has been sometime since I have been in love and much longer since I was loved back.
Also I have discovered that a little bit of Scotch settles down the pain in my tooth quite quick making life bearable once more.
Its good to see everyone again I wish Brad had of come over so I could speak to him of Purple Jesus and comiserate with him over our teams failure to get in after being so close. Ah well, to much chance of other things I suppose.
Feh, the liquor has made me introspective it is time for bed
Salvete
Yesterday me and Bobbi went out to Edson to pick up Rachel and participate in her friend Erin’s Pre Pre New Years Party. It was a good time but due to the Wizard of Booze I remember little of the event. As we had to kill some time before we went to the shindig we hung out at Rachel’s Dad’s house which is literally the place I want to have. Every wall covered in Prints of Aircraft and Civil war combat, and then enough books to qualify as a library. Then as an added bonus and literally making my weekend he gave me a print of the painting he has an original of. He also hooked me up with two Damaged prints, which although unworthy of his collection makes a huge increase in the quality and variety of my own collection. All kudos to him, its official Rachel’s Dad is nearly the best dude ever. I will take photo’s of them once I get them framed and looking good so you can all see my finally growing collection of military prints.
I am such a nerd that although the party was a blast the encounter with Rachel’s Dad’s library and his gift of those prints was truly the high point.
A few things to put up as a result fo Christmas/Date of birth.
I am still with Leah, Hooray.
I recived a Freezer, Serenity, Project A-Ko, a Kamerion Wimbley Jersey (In White), various books and gift certificates.
I am going out to Edson tommorow for a “Pre-New Years Party” as well there will be a party at my current domicile in honor of the day change, tho I may flee with Leah to Churchill Square to watch the fireworks.
As far as grades I B and C’d again, so back on track plus I did a full five and did not fail one. This is being focused on school.
I have 5 again this term I need 3 to graduate with my BA. I am almost done the first part, it kinda freaks me out.
Life mode: Giddy
I am thinking again and apparently dreaming as I seemed to have done the falling dream wake up when I fell asleep with Leah here. Was that a sentence? Aw well, so its 2:00Am and I worked tonight, so slow I read up on Cyberpunk stuff for almost a full hour. But I do have a better idea of what I am going to do with that now I am thinking of really building a huge overlapping story underlining the Nihilism of the Cyberpunk existence, with no value is there real life? Yeah all “Big QUESTIONS”. Papers are done for the year, now is the drive to not Fail CompSci, this class has me very much backed up to the wall, I have two days to figure out the Labs I did not understand and go flunk out of the lab final monday. I just don’t care about the class, it is a ton of work for a requirement that has since become pointless.
On the Lady front, cause people keep asking. Things are still great. She seems to genuinely like me, this often seems unnatural and impossible to me but yet it still is. I lose myself in her eyes, I do not remember this happening before. I feel safe which I have not in years. She makes everything better.
I am being Mellow, trying not to worry so much. Leah has filled those hours I spent here doing little and I could not be happier. I miss her when she is not here.
Well I am too tired for staying awake.
{Crossposted to LJ}
Also should I change the font here to make it look better and would anyone want a seprate “In the course of my current game feed” and if so how the hell would I do that?
Well its official I am Blogging in PoliSci now, Thank you Microsoft Office ‘08.
So just a brief info download and then maybe other ranting,
I have a young lady in my life for the first time in sometime, her name is Leah, I met her thru Ann of the Kirby. We have been hanging out MWF for an hour or so a day and have been talking for weeks. This Saturday we were at the New City dancing it up. It was hot so I offered a walk and we kissed, very romantic. We then walked around for Hours that night. We have decided to date. YAYs.
She is Classics here at the UofA, lives in St. Albert she is also a huge nerd and those of you who roleplay with moi will be seeing her more as she seems very interested in my “Maybe Cyberpunk Maybe Mechwarrior” game. She is a great match to me so far, and she seems a great match with my friends as well, as an added bonus she is gorgeous. I know a true triple win.
I trust her, I know I do and I am so happy to be able to have someone so great become interested in me. I worry but it is what I do. We shall see in the coming weeks, Fingers crossed.
As well there was a 3 Day period I did not sleep at home between helping the Bobbi and other things. Thursday I stayed up all night keeping the Bobbi on task for her assignment, Friday I forgot my keys when I went to work and thank gawd I got a ride home with Lil Jenn and Ty, Thanks to Ty for the Bed. Then Saturday night Leah and myself began to date and we stayed up all night without sleep talking, getting to know each other. So basically Sunday morning football was in a complete fog but man what a win, between me and Leah deciding to date and that amazing game, Sunday November 18th is the best day ever.
What a weekend, I still lack time to speak of it but I shall soon.
I am tired in a way that only weeks of exams can bring, best of all I am building up to THE NEXT BATCH right now, to call me tickled pink would be incorrect, indeed frothing with rage is not appropriate either. Instead I am drained. I have stopped sleeping and only lay in bed tossing wracked by strange dreams and weirder idea’s. I want this to be over, yes I partied Saturday cause I needed to FEEL like it could be done, like an end to this is even possible. This stygian nightmare will be done till finals, which will not be as bad due to the end of my night class coming weeks before. YAY only a 4 way mental sodomy on that week. I guess it beats 5. It would help if I had clue 1 as to what in the hell is going on in CompSci that will be rectified this week but seriously what the hell was I thinking, 4 is hard, 5 is a GODDAMNED nightmare. I have papers soon PAPERS. Thank the gawds that so many are first year classes I have been putting off. Of course I wish they did not have to be done this year either, but by FUCKING GOD I will finish this BA this year, I am tired of feeling like I am spinning my wheels and watching everyone else have lives and futures while I live in a educational Uterus awaiting birth as a human worthy of contact. Well enough of this preamble, I am to eat and then off to write.
I had the first dream in awhile, this is of course not being regaled because of its unusual nature but more over what went on.
I was on the O/D-Line playing football, and I blocked someone down and suddenly I caught the ball and started to run. I felt the crowd surge to their feet, and ahead of me was another player, he seems like no one but everyone. We meet eyes and I know where he is going to go, he wants to go low, I lowered my head becoming perpendicular to the ground with the ball locked in my hands. My head hits him and he grabs nothing, I go THRU him with my head. I see him underneath me as a move past to the endzone and again I feel that moment of victory, of achievement like everything is the way it should be.
Then I woke up. Alone in my room.
I don’t know what it means, I have some thoughts but nothing I want to share yet.
I wrote my PoliSci middie today on Coersion vs Influence.
I am not sure how I did.. The topic got away from me that could be good or bad.
I have one more exam, but it is a Micheal Lynn-George exam and as those of you in the know are aware it will be absoluty the hardest exam I have written this year.
Grades in So Far: CompSci Middie 69%
I am waiting on all the others and with the prof for half of them on vacation, I have low hopes of knowing by next week.
The job search goes poorly apparently my class schedule makes me very unappealing for anything but the worst Jobs. FUCK. Anyhow I should give a shit about this for a few min.