I am snappish still like telling me not to curse is a death penalty kind of snappish, guess what my mother has to do to defend the virtue of the brother. Delightful and after a thrilling explanation of why I am fat unhealthy and going to die, simply magic.
For the record unless it is work I am not going to stop swearing if only to underline the depth of my brother’s error. I have the right to say as I will what I will.
Until this is realized the fight will continue.
I have been moved and so I write, moved by Californication Season 1 Episode 8 about his father. I started thinking about the things I have wanted to be a father, a husband a lover and a friend, I do well some but the one that cannot be muliganed has not happened, thru circumstance events and a few times what could be considered luck I have not had the path to father opened. Something about the love of a child appeals to me in a way I cannot articulate and I do not mean mine for I but rather I to them. Some part of me moving on past me bringing some fragment of what I was forward to others, a family a name a line a path responsibilty to protect what was by being what is. I seem to have gone another way abandoning the first few for the last being a friend. I have a good many friends as I have always had in my adult life moving about me as they always do closer and drawing away each being helped and helping as they need. In some ways I have replaced that old perogitive with this, no longer a child and a lover seek but instead strive to be the best man I can be and maybe in the end all things will come as I had once hoped but down a road I would have never thought.
[I am sorry there is such a clear demarcation of idea's here but this is how I think]
For the first time in a long while I have fallen in Love, that scary scary word, I mean on some level it evokes fear of betrayal and humiliation, and yet I cannot help myself. I do not want to Love to put myself there out on a limb opening my emotions again to another letting them into my mind my soul my life. I am scared to death. And yet I do Love her I walk again the path of which has cost me so much pain. Why? I ask over and over this was not a requirement of her’s not her plan not so soon so fast. I cannot help it she rules so many of my thoughts and again I am 18 by a wall looking in the eye’s of that first and kissing so gently and knowing something so great. When I kiss Leah that is there and like then I am driven to her to kiss and to more. Yet not. She is not ready and I am Ok with that, how did this happen this realignment of what I was trapped in touch and affection to save my soul, I let her in and did not demand the price of flesh that makes the risk at least enjoyable. I am baffled at me. Love is a funny fickle thing and I seem to be absorbed in its grip. I have not blogged much cause I cannot articulate how I am feeling. I am on a rollercoaster, I want to smash to get off to escape but I want to stay on, to risk the whole ride to see if this is the one she that I have sought since that first kiss. Lips touching but so much more than that could ever be.
[ I would blame the time but it is noon.]
Californication is an awesome show, Showtime and David Duchoveny is a good match, after what seems far too long I hung out with Steve, John and Dave we talked had some drink and even had a nice smoke. It is good to have a good time with good friends. Steve leaves in the morrow for Victoria, John the day after for Ottawa and Dave moves back to inscrutability once more. Split by time and circumstance and still given a chance we have a good time hanging out together.
I gushed perhaps to much of the Leah but I regret nothing. It has been sometime since I have been in love and much longer since I was loved back.
Also I have discovered that a little bit of Scotch settles down the pain in my tooth quite quick making life bearable once more.
Its good to see everyone again I wish Brad had of come over so I could speak to him of Purple Jesus and comiserate with him over our teams failure to get in after being so close. Ah well, to much chance of other things I suppose.
Feh, the liquor has made me introspective it is time for bed
Salvete