I seem to be failing at life again, stupid damn money. Banging my head on the wall of work to try and pull thru the month and I have no idea what in the hell is going on for april. Am I moving am I not???? I have no freaking clue.
I am kinda sulky kinda sad, life is getting me down. Nothing much is bringing me up. I hate staying at my parents house.
Maddness and infamy was afoot, well not really fun was had by all well at least all I talked to. The ride in was kwel with a good cuddle and my meal plans and relaxing walks went according to plan. I spent the entire weekend in a state of perpetual drunken fun. Friday was spent on the freaking bus UHG. The Good news being I hit the Hot Tub before bed to relax so I could sleep. Saturday was the first breakfast, it went well feeding the people, as well the character creations went appace and I even managed a game or two of BANG! which was most enjoyable, then a short Rping Session and going to Party with the “Serge”. The Sunday was good as well with more sucessful meals followed by a poker game that triggered a huge party at my place of sleep. I fled to the relative silence of Alex’s place until Jade came and brought me back. I hung around the party until a strike of sudden sleepyness put me to bed. Monday was facilitated admirably by Amber’s herculan efforts allowing us to be all packed up for 11 also giving me the chance to do my Drill Seargent to wake up Jenn and allowing Rachel, Colin, Olivia, Dave, Ashley, Brandon, Ty, Jenn and I to go on an excursion to town where I found a genuine CCCP hip flask in a tourist trap and we all enjoyed a meal at BJ’s Pub and Resturant which had the largest burger for 7.99 I have EVER seen. Then we met the bus in town claimed our seats and stocked with water and readied for the trip home. I was…. Snappy and irritated easily much of the way. This was my bad. The trip was long we were lost at least twice and we arrived in the wee hours today. Ty and Jenn helped me haul my cooler to my Apt, where tho they were welcome to stay they found a cab and headed home. I am at my parents and still snappy and easily aggravated….. I am not sure why. I work in the morning and I really really don’t wanna, but I need the money BAD. Ah well ladies were held party was had and a good time was had by all.
Someone just came online on MSN and it reminded me of the last time I was with a woman. Is it odd that I totally forgot about that evening and the woman involved? Although it was a one night stand as per her needs I am still kinda baffled as to why it would leave my mind altogether. It was rather pleasant if cramped and that in itself should lend it some noteriety in my mind. Instead nothing until I logged in and saw her on the chat list for the first time in sometime. Was I blocked? Who knows, perhaps she did not want to be reminded of that night. I suppose all that says about me is that I sought to forget as well. The whole thing was very “On the impulse” starting with a bizzre MSN conversation, and ending with an equally bizzare act of Coitus in the back of my parents mini van. I mean it was good and all but I wanted to date her, and all she wanted from me is sex. Now she just don’t talk to me at all. Typical.
This is life, we all have to live it. But somedays I really wish the road was not so hard and so GAWDAMNED long.
I did not plan to get all sad over this, but here we are.
Its been a week, hell pretty much 2 weeks since I have been in this class. All part and partial of me doing well from here on out I need to be here. It seems like my drowsyness has been reduced by taking my meds even earlier and falling asleep even earluer at night as well. In Chem today we covered what we did in our lab last week bringing up the question : Why are the labs not associated in a closer manner with the Class. I really enjoyed teaching myself how to do things for the lab when the class had told me NOTHING up this point.
I can feel the Anxiety inside me but its like a mile and a half away. Its a very odd sensation the good news is that running is not nearly worth the effort to do. Where would I even go? the sooner I get used to being here agin the more likely I can bull out of this manic state I have been in and do well in my classes for the remainder of the semester.
I am doing my best to blend intody so that it will appear that I have been here more than I have . I don’t think it is the workin.
Went to the doctor, got pills and am health wise 100% or so they claim. Bad news is the meds make me massively sleepy
I keep falling asleep, I slept thru work, I slept thru lunch and I totally missed the whole week of class so far. I perk up towards the evening between 6 and 10 well more towards 10. Uhg. I am totally doing laundry right now and I need to stay awake so I don’t forget my clothes in the laundry. Best of all I have to go downstairs to acheive this because the psycho in 1605 is doing her laundry again. There is a skirt and a pair of socks in the washer and a single shirt in the dryer. But Its easier to do my stuff downstairs rather than have her throw my shit on the floor. Bitch.
I am going to class I HAVE TO GO TO CLASS.
But I need to be awake, and I am worried that will not be happening. I mean work is way more interesting than my classes and I couldn’t hold it together. I fell asleep waiting for the pour order, ASLEEP standing up.
I have no feelings of fear, anger nothing deep inside me I feel stuff still but it has no effect I feel like I have been abusing Weed for years and now I am perma mellow. everything is buried deep inside. I wish I could stay awake.
I am going to go to the doctor today… Seriously. I am. Stop looking at me that way. I will. REALLY.
Eventually.
I am sitting here in the AD’s office at SAFEWALK reading a book while others watch movies, specifically Cowboy Bebop. Why am I in here alone at an event that I myself set up you might ask and the answer is the idea of being near other people right now fills me with fear and frustration. In limited numbers I am fairly functional but Gawds help me in any clss like situation. I need to get into the doctor and get some freaking help. Middies are coming and I have no clue. Worst of all I just don’t care. Not even the slightest bit about any of it, I am doing nothing to be proud of now. I am doing nothing I love.
I need to not let this stuff get me down but in alot of ways I seem capeable of doing nothing of use. I am getting the minimum done… about 1/2 the time. The Safewalk stuff is coming easy. everything else is to hard to contemplate.
well I am away from people.. for the time being. Lab went well last night and I have to finish my post lab to be… well Ok as far as class goes. Till tommorow and the Quiz that I am hopelessly unprepared for. the good news is everything else is coming together in a way that will not cause me to have some sort of stroke event.. Or something. Its gonna be worse before it gets better. But the better is POTENTIALLY in sight. I hope. I am gonna get dressed and head to campus, better than sitting here sulking.