Edutainment with Ranting

I am sitting here in Chem and the prof is talking and its like a peanuts cartoon. Wa Wa Wa. No Idea.

I am filled with Anxiety and freak out, I mean I thought I was over this but Instead I am snapping again, and homework, Homework=No. This whole wedding thing is getting to me. As of June 20th/07 my brother and all my cousins near his age will be married, Leanne already technically is (Common Law) with my brother walking the Asile in APRIL. For myslef he could not have chosen a WORSE time for it. SERIOUSLY. I am useless. I have been single for YEARS and this retard is marrying a woman he has been dating for months. Not only does it Highlight my own failings but the fact that she annoys the HELL out of me is just icing on the fucking cake. He is just as stubborn as I am, he will not leave for anything short of her cheating, which she won’t.

I just want to hide, or scream or snap. Nothing I can do but feel the depth of my failure. To draw the pain into me to keep me from lashing out at everyone. WHY does everything keep getting WORSE. I hit bottom weeks ago and I thought I had bounced, instead I just kept falling, everything just getting more and more out of control. I have to get out of here..

My Brother Nick is engaged.

Fuck

Training was as expected painfully boring intersposed with brief periods of amusement. So all in all not so bad, as an added bonus I spent some time getting my photographic skillz on which was pretty good.  In hillarious information I was once one of those “Film” photographer, not like those Artistic douches but instead I was seriously working towards being one of those fellows who takes wedding and portrait photo’s. I stopped pursuing that path for two reasons, one there is no money in it unless you have massive talent, I had some, and secondly the inital investment in camera’s and equipment was ridiculous. This is WAY before digital camera’s existed. I worked with Film and chemicals and two years in a row I drew the “Make model photo’s for person who won a contest.” either the greatest honor or punishment in the realm of Comm-tech. Where am I going with this, I am blown away by the facebook people displaying crap that they consider appealing. Fucking cookie cutter flash lit crap they are passing off as a true expression of their, Angst? Friendlyness? Fucktardyness? I just find that the ease of modern amature photographic equipment has taken an art and transformed it into a universal act of stupidty as people take the most retarded things and put them on the internet for all to see in the name of self expression. Your pet is not cute, Black and White is not fucking ART, why would ANYONE want to see hundreds of shit ass photos of your ridiculous life experiences? “HAHAHA Those chicks are kissing.” Goddamn fucktards Nobody cares! “Oh look my Baby” over and over and over. Do you think they will appreciate thier early lives being free media when they are 8? 12? in HighSchool? NO! but there all these retards are taking pics of funny street signs thinking that on some level they are being…. What CREATIVE? INTERESTING? How about a fucking drone who can pretend to be free by posting photos on the internet.  That sounds right, talentless HACKS that technology has allowed to fake actual ability in order to flood the world with SHIT.  Do not even get me started on the people who take pics of thier own dinners. More of the same as above, 50% more FUCKTARD. All of them desperatly clambering to be accepted by creating the same vanilla art. Each thinking they are the offical fount of artistic awesome on the fucking planet. ALL TALENTLESS HACKS.  well class is over. I am going to the SWoffice to try and find a good lasertag place.

DITed last night and now I am sitting in class and NOTHING the prof is saying is making ANY sense to me. Ok not totally true, he is talking about the potential shape of the electron orbital paths. But there is more here that he is talking about and I am totally clueless.

I had alot of trouble getting to sleep last night it was late but my mine was afflurry and as an added bonus I hit the snooze 3 times, 10 min to get ready and get to class is not my friend. I feel like my brain has been beaten by a CROWD of sleep monkey’s. I don’t know what those are or why they are her but I am definately Definately SCREWED.

I have to finish my Lab Assignment before RPing tonight and my Spare time this morning should suffice allowing me to actually be better by the afternoon, but what will happen in all probablity I will have a nap and slack off till I see Jade at noon for assistance. I had forgotten how hard it was for me to pay attention in this class. I need to get over this or at least teach myself how to do this crap. I do not want to force Jade to teach me the whole course. I mean it would be nice but she is stressed enough without me hanging on to her neck as she acheives at this nightmare of class.

I am just to tired for this to make any sense to me. I am going to have to figure this out tommorow. Uhg.

Well I am here and it appears that appearing here was as much a waste of time as I had belived. Color me releived.

Oh wow am I feeling it today, I have all my papers ready for my request of monies and I am actually in class after missing Classics all last week and now now the Anxiety is like a wave on my subconcious. I am unable to fit in. I will never belong and those that do will judge me from here to the end of time in all things.

I need to calm down. I really REALLY want to flee. Christine is here but as the last few weeks show we are apparently not Kwel. Nay we are the opposite of that. In fact I seem to be unworthy of conversation all together. To think I stayed in this class just to hang out with her and instead of being well friendly I just seem not to exist.

Ok

Ok

Many situations will be solved today and with the Judicious applicaton of work I should be Ok in all my classes. SHOULD BE. I have no idea what I am doing in anything but my seminar class and there I am of the belief that I completly suck ass. Wunderbar. Great now I am free ranting. Well maybe not a bad thing.

What the hell is going on with me, I get hit with a series of bad times and I just fill up I mean how long has these feelings been present in my subconcious before I snapped and its not like I am feeling more in control now than last week. I keep feeling like I am a full glass of frustration and aggitation. The slightest drop of additional material and I am a massive snapshow again. I just want to scream and yell at everything and it is a constant temptation to just beat myself into unconciousness. I just want to lash out and no one deserves it but me so why not hit myself. That way only those who deserve to be harmed will be. Yes it makes perfect sense. It looks like I need to get help again. A little bit of Medimication and I will be back down to learning crazy instead of incoherent freakshow crazy I am sitting in class before it starts and I want to yell at people what the hell. I am like Hormonal or something.

I want to leave here, this class… these people NOW.

I have already missed so much class I feel utterly useless.

Best of all I am now sure Nath is pissed at me adding to the fun times in a way that is hard to describe. I am the man alone again and it couldn’t have happened at a worse time.

I think I am finally cooled off all the way, the sight of my phone isn’t making me angry anymore. Now I am worried that everybody thinks I am an oppressive rageaholic, I don’t slip often but sometimes I go over the edge. At least its not all emo right?

Today NFL network is showing the two dark times in Browns history “The Drive” and “The Fumble” I feel scoured by the TV.

I really really wish I was better about school I will do better from here I hope. We shall see if I am up to this challenge.

Absolutely snapped on the chatty motherfuckers, I hope they understand “Shut the Fuck Up or I will beat the hell out of you” cause I will freaking kick his ass if he so much as opens his mouth from here on out. He was all “Why did you not say something sooner” my response was “I thought you were not a huge asshole” and then “Shut the Fuck up” goddamned first year fucko’s annoying the shit out of me.

I am still a fucking SNAP SHOW. Not much to set me off still full of anger.

I missed most of this week of Chem and the class is still in Chapter One, the goal for the weekend- finish Chapter One so I do not feel any am no longer behind. The prof seems to be taking his time about the whole thing. Best of all we have a quiz coming up in less than 2 weeks. I am unable to be afraid but my classmates seem to be scared shitless. But to be honest people could join this class as late as today, this sort of screams “Wait till they all get here to make them learn” not that I have a clue but I learn from books and writing pretty readilly and with the study sessions I should be fine. I think.

Oh yeas for Nirbo today I bring you punctuation on a single day appearance. Whoop thats that.

I am kinda pumped about today not the game (Which I am dreading) but rather my interview. I have never cared about anything enough to actually help with. This is an important step forward…or back I am not sure but I think it is positive… Maybe should be.

I am not feeling my game these days the Haiatus was to much of me sitting around thinking about it. its not fresh and I have lost interest… as normally happens with me and D&D, I just lose interest all together I am not a fan.

Crap I am spaced out blogging in Chem, I may has well stayed home rather than wasting time here. Oh wow talk about a bad mind set in a sentence. I may blog more next class in the meantime this is indeed it.

The game is ready I think, we should be go. But people are not goin to be there. attendance has become less than perfunctutory. I am going to go to class tommorow and then a SWAT interview. Whoo.